Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 7

When Rich and Fozzie made it to Jenny's diner, Rich hid the bear in his jacket. Jenny walked over and couldn't help but notice something fishy.

"Tell me, Richie." She said. "Is that a bear in your jacket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Cut the comedy, Jenny." Said Rich. "I've had a very rough day." They soon walked into the kitchen where rats were cooking. "I need to get out of these cuffs."

"Oh, swell." Said Jenny with sarcasm. Rich then opened his jacket to reveal Fozzie Bear.

"What's Fozzie doing here?" Asked Rizzo.

"Rich is gonna help me clear my name!" Claimed Fozzie, and the rats all cheered for him.

"I thought you were never gonna take a puppet case again." Said Jenny. "What did you have? Change of heart?"

"Nothing has changed." Replied Rich. "Someone made a monkey out of me, and I'm gonna find out why! Do you have any tools?" One of the rats on the shelf knocked down a toolbox, making it fall to the ground. Rich opened the toolbox and found a hacksaw. He and Fozzie walked to a box to find a stable place to saw off the cuffs.

"Hold still, will you?" He asked. Fozzie slipped his hand out of the cuff to hold the box.

"Does this help?" He asked.

"Thanks." Said Rich. Suddenly, he realized something. "You're telling me you could've slid your hands outta those cuffs at any time?!"

"Not at any time." Said Fozzie. "Only when it was funny. Wocka wocka wocka!" Before Rich could hit him, Fozzie climbed a shelf. Rizzo then noticed something in Rich's pocket.

"Stop snooping in there!" He demanded. Rich put his hand into his pocket, pulled out the photo from the other night, and threw it to Jenny.

"What's that, Richie?" She asked.

"Just look at it." Replied Rich. Fozzie climbed down the shelf to take a look.

"Mr. Beasley's will." He said. "But isn't he a little young to write a will?"

"You just have to dispend your belief." Said another rat.

"Yeah," Said Rich, still sawing off the cuff. "And I think Kirk Thatcher played the part of sound mind and your wife the sound body."

"What's the scheme, Richard?" Asked Jenny.

"I don't think they got to the will." Rich explained.

"But how do you know?" She asked.

"Because they were still looking for it after they killed him." Said Rich.

"Anything I can do?" Jenny asked.

"Perhaps you could check the Internet at the local library." Said Rich.

"Let me get this straight." Said Fozzie. "You're saying my boss, Kirk Thatcher, dropped a safe on Chuck Beasely's head just so he can get his hands on Puppetown?"

"That's my theory." Said Rich, who finally broke out of the cuffs. "Can Fozzie stay here for a couple of days?"

"He's not gonna do anything stupid, will he?" Jenny asked. Fozzie strapped whoopee cushions to a pair of shoes and showed them to the rats.

"Hey, look!" He said. "Fart shoes! Patent pending." Rich started walking towards the exit.

"And where will you be going?" Jenny asked Rich.

"I'm going to Cyclia to find more evidence." He answered, and Rich left the diner to head to Cyclia.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night, Rich walked over to Cyclia and broke into Janice's dressing room. However, she wasn't in there. He opened the door to escape, but instead, he found Miss Poogy there, who punched him unconscious. When Rich woke up, he saw Judge Coleman and the Moopets standing there.

"Pick him up." He said, and Poogy did so and placed Rich on a chair. "Rummaging around in a woman's dressing room. Tsk, tsk, tsk. What were you looking for, Mr. Jewel?"

"Last week," Janooce said. "They wanted her email. For really?"

"Look, doll." Said Rich. "I was looking for Beasely's will!"

"Chuck Beasely had no will." Said Coleman.

"Yes, there was!" Rich argued. "Kirk Thatcher and possibly Janice killed him for it."

"That didn't happen." Said Coleman. "We spoke to Janice, not Janooce, this morning, and she said she was innocent. As punishment for breaking into a women's dressing room, the Moopets will give you a tour downtown."

"That doesn't sound so bad." Said Rich. "Where downtown? Brooklyn? NYC? The Bronx?"

"Downtown Puppetown." Said Coleman, and the Moopets started giggling.

"We warned you to stay out of this case, Jewel." Said Poogy. "But you didn't listen." The Moopets tied up Richard and drove him into Puppetown for the night. The next morning, Rich was outside the entrance of Puppetown, but felt strange.

"Ugh, what did you do to me?" Asked Rich.

"Look in the mirror." Said Kermoot, handing Rich a mirror. When he looked in the mirror, he was terrified: He had a chicken puppet head.

"Aaahhh!!!!" He shouted. "I've been Muppetized!"

"Hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Jewel!" Said Miss Poogy, and the Moopets drove off. He ran back to his and Jenny's apartment so he could get the chicken head off.

Author's Notes: Fozzie slipping his hand out of the cuff is inspired by Rowlf's live appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show in 1989. Rowlf (along with Fozzie) requires two puppeteers (one for the head and right arm, and another for the left arm), but only one puppeteer was present that night: Jim Henson. As a result, Rowlf's left arm was in a sling.

In The Muppets 2011, Fozzie invents fart shoes by strapping whoopee cushions to an old pair of shoes.

Rich getting a chicken head in this chapter is inspired by a deleted scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit: After sneaking into Jessica's dressing room, Judge Doom punishes Eddie by ordering the Weasels to bring him to Toontown and get a toon pig head stuck on his own head.

The chicken head is also a reference to a rooster Jim Henson's Creature Shop created over 20 years ago for ADEG Supermarkets. If you ask me, he looks like Chicken Boo from Animaniacs.

Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 6

Back at the condo where Richard and Jenny lived, he spotted Rizzo the Rat eating a pretzel stick.

"Rizzo?" Asked Rich. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, are you Richard Jewel?" Rizzo asked back.

"Yeah." Replied the detective.

"I want to tell you about the Beasley murder." Said Rizzo. "Fozzie didn't kill him. I should know! He wouldn't hurt a fly! I tell you, Richie, the whole thing stinks like old cheese. Look at this." He then handed Rich a newspaper, with the headlines saying 'Muppet kills Chuck Beasley'. "The paper says that Beasely left no will. That's a load of baloney! Every puppet knows that Beasely had a will, even if he was a little young. He promised to leave Puppetown to us puppets! That will was the reason he got bumped off."

"Has anybody ever seen this will?" Asked Rich.

"No, but he gave us his solemn oath!" Said Rizzo.

"If you believe that joker could do anything solemn," Said Rich. "That joke's on you, pal!"

"I was just thinking that since you got Fozzie into this mess," Said Rizzo. "You might want to help get him out. I could pay you."

"Save your money for your own private stash!" Replied Rich, grabbing the rat and throwing him down the staircase. Rich then went back inside the apartment to look at the newspaper himself.

"It ain't my fault that the bear got himself in trouble." Said Rich, taking a drink of root beer. "All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures." When he placed his glass on the picture of Beasely and Janice, he saw something sticking out of his pocket. Rich got out his magnifying glass and took a closer look at the picture: It was, in fact, Beasely's will.

"The rat was right!" Said Rich. "Eh, who cares."

"You should care!" Said an ominous yet familiar voice.

"Who was that?" Asked Rich.

"Look in your bedroom!" The voice said. When Rich walked in there, he saw Fozzie Bear! "Uh, wocka wocka?"

"How did you get in here?" Asked Rich.

"Through the window." Said Fozzie. "Bears are good climbers, you know. Anyway, I needed a place to hide, since I'm wanted for murder."

"Does anyone know you're here?" Asked Rich.

"Not a soul!" Said Fozzie. "Though it is shedding season for me." Rich then looked out the window where Fozzie crawled through, and there was a long trail of orange fur.

"With a trail like that," Said Rich, grabbing the bear and walking towards the door. "They'll find you easily!"

"Please, Richard!" Said Fozzie, placing his hand in the doorway. "Don't throw me out! I didn't kill anybody! I swear! I've been framed, can't you see?" Rich then started grabbing Fozzie's legs. "My only purpose in life is to make people laugh!" Rich finally let go, and the bear plopped on him.

"Okay, I admit it!" Said Fozzie, getting off of Rich. "I got upset when you showed me those pictures of Janice, so I rushed over to Cyclia, but she wasn't in her dressing room, so I wrote her a love letter."

"You're telling me that in a fit of jealousy, you wrote her a love letter?" Rich asked.

"That's right!" Said Fozzie. "I know that Janice is innocent, so I wrote this on a nice clean piece of paper. 'What's a three-letter word to describe the perfect wife? Y-O-U!' What do you think?"

"Why didn't you just leave the letter there?" Asked Rich.

"I felt that I should've read it to her in person." Said Fozzie. "So I went home to wait for her, but the Moopets were waiting for me, and that's when I snuck into your window."

"But why come to me?" Asked Rich. "I'm the one who took pictures of your wife."

"But you're also the guy who helped all these puppets!" Said Fozzie, looking at Rich's old files. "This is when you helped the cast of Between the Lions win against a lawsuit with Reading Rainbow! And this is when you helped Kermit and the gang find Clifford, the purple Muppet who looks like a catfish. Everybody knows that when a puppet's in trouble, there's only one place to go: The Jewel Brothers!"

"Not anymore." Said Rich, who was about to take a drink of root beer. Fozzie was about to touch Paul's chair, but Rich then shouted "Get your paws off that chair! That was my brother's."

"Yeah, where is your brother?" Asked Fozzie, looking at a photo of Paul. "He looks so handsome."

"That's it." Said Rich, grabbing the telephone. "I'm calling the cops."

"Go ahead." Said Fozzie mournfully, walking towards the door. "Call the cops. I come for help, and what do you do? You turn me in! So long, and thanks for nothing." When Fozzie closed the door, Rich decided to help him.

"Alright, enough with the crocodile tears." Said Rich, walking towards the door. "I'll help you." When Rich opened the door, Fozzie used a handcuff on Rich.

"Richard Jewel." He said in a voice reminiscent of Bert. "You're under arrest. Wocka wocka wocka!"

"What was that for?" Asked Rich.

"I thought it would be funny." Said Fozzie. Suddenly, both of them heard a car. They looked at the window, and it was the Moopets!

"Aaahhhh!!!" Shouted Fozzie. "It's the Moopets! Hide me, Richie, please!" Fozzie ran into the cupboards to hide.

"Get out of there!" Said Rich, pulling Fozzie out of the cupboards.

"Please don't let them find me." Pleaded Fozzie. "You're my only hope. If the Moopets find me, I might as well become a bearskin rug.

"Open up in the name of the law!" Shouted Miss Poogy.

"What are we gonna do, Richard?" Pleaded Fozzie" What are we gonna do?"

"How long can you hold your breath underwater?" Asked Rich. Soon, Miss Poogy punched the door down, but no one seemed to be in Rich and Jenny's apartment.

"Looks like they gave us the slip, huh, Poogy?" Asked Foozie.

"Nah." Said the pig. "Jewel's got him stashed somewhere." Poogy then walked over to the sink, and saw Rich with his hands in the sink. Fozzie was in there. "Hold it right there!"

"Hello boys." Rich greeted casually. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I'm a woman!" Shouted Poogy, walking towards Rich with a gun. "Now where's the bear?"

"Haven't seen him." Said Rich. "Unless you're talking about the one with the black hat." Poogy then looked at the sink.

"What's in there?" She asked.

"I'm washing my underwear."  Answered Rich.

"Disgusting!" Said Poogy. When her back was turned, Fozzie popped his head out of the sink to spit out some water. This made Poogy suspicious.

"Search the place, fellas!" She said. "Leave no stone unturned!" The other Moopets then started looking through the apartment. "Look, Jewel. We have a reliable source of information, the bear is here. So cut the bull crud."

"You keep talking like that," Said Richard, grabbing a bar of soap. "And I'll have to wash your mouth out!" He shoved the soap into Poogy's mouth, and it made her fall to the ground, and the other Moopets laughed at her. When Poogy tried speaking, bubbles came out.

"Stop that laughing!" She demanded, spitting the soap bar at Foozie. This made the Moopets laugh harder.

"Stop that laughing!" Demanded Poogy, smacking Kermoot and Janooce with a plunger. "Want to know what happens when you don't stop laughing?" Roowlf was still laughing, however, but Poogy threw the plunger at him like a dart. "One of these days, you'll die laughing." She then walked towards Rich. "As for you, Jewel, step out of line, and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry. Come on, you losers! Let's blow this pop stand!" When the Moopets left, Fozzie poked his head out of the water.

"They're gone." Said Rich.

"Thank you so much, Richard!" Said Fozzie. "How could I ever repay you?" He then gave Rich a tight hug. "Bear hug. Wocka wocka!"

"Let's see if Jenny can help us." Rich suggested.

Author's Notes: Fozzie's love letter in this chapter is actually a real Valentine's Day card that was created in 1979.

For those unfamiliar, Between the Lions was a puppet show (but not a Muppet Show) that ran from 2000 to 2010. It was about a family of lions who owned a library, and the show encouraged preschoolers to read. The show was basically Sesame Street if it focused on literacy. Some of the books on the show were either real books, such as Dr. Seuss' Because a Little Bug Went Ka-Choo!, I'll Fix Anthony by Judith Viorst (author of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day), and Pete's a Pizza by William Steig (author of Shrek!). Other books were made especially for the show, such as The Queen Who Wanted to Touch the Moon, Cliff Hanger, and Fun With Chicken Jane.

Paul Jewel is named after Paul Henson Jr., Jim Henson's older brother. He unfortunately died in 1956 due to a car accident, at the age of 34.

Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 5

Rich and Sam soon drove to Chuck Beasely's gag factory, which was right next to Puppetown. Rich couldn't help but notice the chaos in the background.

"What now?" Asked Sam.

"I haven't been this close to Puppetown in a while." Replied Rich. Soon, a boom could be heard, and a blue monkey/turkey-like creature soared through the sky and crashed into a wall. It was Gonzo, the Muppets' resident daredevil.

"What were you doing?" Asked Rich.

"I was being fired through a cannon while citing the Pledge of Allegiance." Said Gonzo, as he collapsed to the ground.

"Come on, Richard." Said Sam. "Let's get this over with." The two then went inside the gag factory, which was also where several failed Muppet Labs inventions were placed. There was an outline of a dead body on the ground with a crashed safe where the head would be.

"Just like a Muppet to drop a safe on someone's head." Remarked Sam. "Sorry, Mr. Jewel. Wait here while I talk to a witness." As Sam walked away into a separate room, Rich decided to follow him, and in the window, he spotted Janice. He lost his train of thought when one of the police officers spotted an old invention.

"Ever seen one of these?" He said, grabbing a pair of earmuffs. "Exploding earmuffs." He placed them on a bust of Ludwig von Beethoven, and it blew up the statue.

"Hey, guys!" Said another cop, holding a whistle. "Ever heard of a bird caller? Well, here's a Pig Caller!" He blew into the whistle, which made a squeal of a pig, and Link Hogthrob rushed over.

"You called?" He asked. Link then looked at Rich. "Didn't you used to be Richard Jewel? Or did you change your name to George Burns?" The pig and police officers all laughed at that remark. Rich ignored that and looked at the safe and saw something orange on the rope it was tied to.

"What's that?" He asked.

"Fur from the bear's paws." Said another officer. Suddenly, Janice appeared from behind Rich and slapped him.

"I hope you're proud of yourself!" She yelled. "And those pictures you took." As Janice stormed off, another group of officers grabbed a bed that carried the body of Chuck Beasely. One of them knocked over a cooler and let out lots of Muppet food, namely fruits and vegetables. As they were running amuck, an officer bumped into the bed, causing Beasely to lose his joy buzzer. As Rich was about to pick up the buzzer, a cane pressed his hand against the buzzer, giving him a shock.

"Ow!" Exclaimed Rich. When he looked up, it was Tex Coleman, newly-appointed judge of Puppetown. His name is actually Tex Richman, but was changed to avoid confusion with Richard Jewel.

"Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime?" He asked.

"No, Judge Coleman." Said Sam. "Mr. Jewel was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Richard?"

"Hand it over." Demanded Coleman.

"Sure." Replied Rich. He extended his hand towards Coleman, but the judge got shocked, instead. "His #1 seller."

"It seems working for a puppet has been rubbing off of you." Said Coleman.

"I wasn't working for a puppet!" Said Rich. "I was working for Kirk Thatcher."

"Yes." Said Coleman. "We all talked to Mr. Thatcher, and he told us the bear became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. He said one way or another, he and his wife would be happy. Is that true?"

"Do I look like I went to law school?" Asked Rich.

"Be quiet, Mr. Jewel." Said Sam. "Coleman's a judge."

"That's okay, Samuel." Said Coleman. "From the smell of it, I'd say it was the root beer talking. No matter. My men, and women, will find him." Soon, a small golden car drove into the factory, and out came familiar faces.

"Who are those?" Asked Rich.

"Meet the Moopets." Said Coleman. "While the Muppets are bright and optimistic, the Moopets are dark and cynical."

"All right, you pieces of felt!" Said a drag pig. "We're here, and unless you want to get punched, get out of the car!" Soon, other Moopets came out of the car. There were Moopets similar to Kermit, Fozzie Bear, and even Janice.

"This is Miss Poogy." Coleman started, pointing at the pig. "Sham Superstar. This is Kermoot, Fake Frog. Foozie, Bogus Bear. Roowlf, Pretend Pooch. And finally, here's Janooce, Mock Musician. Did you find the bear yet, gang?"

"Don't worry, boss." Said Miss Poogy. "We hung up posters all over the city. We'll find him."

"Do you know where the bear is, Mr. Jewel?" Asked Coleman.

"Yellowstone Park?" He joked. "The Bronx Zoo? A kid's birthday party?"

"I'm surprised you're not being more cooperative, Mr. Jewel." Said Coleman. "A human has been murdered by a puppet. Don't you realize how important that is?"

"Sorry to bother you," Said a voice. "Do you know where the fridge is?" When Coleman looked down, it was an avocado wearing sunglasses.

"Since I had Puppetown under my watch," Said Coleman. "My goal has been to drain the insanity. And the only way to do that is to make puppets respect the law. As Sam is a more serious puppet character, he won't have to be tested." Coleman picked up the avocado and walked over to the back of the Moopets' car.

"How did that gargoyle get to be a judge?" Rich asked Sam.

"Spread hundreds of dollars around Puppetown a couple years back." Explained Sam. "Bought the election." Coleman then unveiled something horrible: A machine that kills puppets!

"What's that?" Asked Rich.

"A Puppet Shredder." Replied Sam. "If you're a puppet and you're downright silly, into the shredder you go."

"I'll catch the bear, Mr. Jewel." Said Coleman. "And when I do, he'll get shredded." He placed the avocado in the shredder, turned it on, and it sliced the fruit until there was nothing left but green felt and stuffing.

"That would make great guacamole, boss." Said Roowlf. "Too bad I can't eat it."

"This isn't a kid's toy, Mr. Jewel." Said Coleman. "This is how we handle things in Puppetown. I'd think you of all people would appreciate that."

Author's Notes: The avocado with sunglasses in this chapter originally appeared in the Pearl Bailey episode of The Muppet Show, where he sat on the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.

In the Phyllis Diller episode of The Muppet Show, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew demonstrated Muppet Labs Exploding Clothes. According to The Muppets Character Encyclopedia, this was why Beaker was introduced.

The Exploding Clothes will appear again in Chapter 13.

Link Hogthrob was a pig who would appear from time to time on The Muppet Show. He was handsome, but not very smart, and is best known for his appearances on the Pigs in Space sketches.

Link is the one in the middle.

The Moopets were doppelgangers of the Muppets that appeared in James Bobin's The Muppets (the 2011 movie). They were a tribute band at the Pechoolo Casino in Reno, Nevada, but were dark, tough, and cynical. There are only six Moopets we know about (one of which isn't even a puppet): Kermoot, Miss Poogy, Janooce, Roowlf, Animool, and Foozie.

From left to right: Foozie, Kermoot, Miss Poogy, Janooce, and Roowlf.

Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 4

Back at the Muppet Studios, Fozzie was upset about what happened.

"Patty cake?" He said. "Janice played patty cake with Chuck Beasely?! I can't believe it!"

"Cheer up, Fozzie." Said Kirk Thatcher. "You're not the first man whose wife played patty cake on him." After blowing his nose in a handkerchief, Rich brought over the photos to prove that Janice played patty cake.

"Believe it, kid." He said, handing the photos to Fozzie. "She played patty cake."

"But this can't be true!" Said Fozzie. "Me without Janice is like Gilbert without Sullivan! Ham without cheese! Poca without hontas!"

"You'll have to change to a mocha, because Beasely is taking the cream right now." Said Rich.

"I've known Chuck Beasely for a long time." Said Thatcher. "Who would've known he'd end up becoming a Casanova?"

"Someone must have made her do it." Moped Fozzie.

"Now drink this, Foz." Said Thatcher, handing the bear a glass of root beer. "It will make you feel better." Fozzie took a big drink of root beer, but soon after he swallowed it, he let out a loud 10-second burp that shattered lots of glass.

"Thanks," Fozzie said with an exhausted voice. "I needed that." And he collapsed on Thatcher's desk.

"Mr. Thatcher," Said Rich. "I think my work here is finished. Could I have the other fifty, now?"

"Yes, you may." Said Thatcher, handing Rich another check. The Muppet honcho then walked over to Fozzie to comfort him. "Don't feel so bad, Foz. There are plenty of fish in the sea."

"Yeah." Said Rich. "With a face like that, the dames could be breaking his door down."  This made Fozzie upset.

"Dames?  What dames?" Fozzie asked angrily, grabbing Richard by the shirt. "Janice is the only one for me! We'll rise above this debacle and be happy again, got it? Capital H-A-P-P-Y! Wocka wocka!" Fozzie then jumped out the window, only to crash on the concrete.

"At least he took it well." Said Rich.

------------------------------------------------

Rich went back to his apartment and saw Jenny in bed.

"Where have you been, Richie?" She asked. "Was it another puppet case?"

"No." Said Rich, changing into his pajamas. "I took pictures of some Muppet, and Fozzie got upset. What could possibly go wrong?"

--------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Sam the Eagle, a Muppet who was part of the local police department alongside real humans, woke up both Rich and Jenny by letting out a screech.

"What was that for?!" Asked Jenny.

"What are you doing here, Sam?" Asked Rich. He respected Sam because he was one of the more serious puppet characters.

"I have urgent news to tell you." Said Sam. "Chuck Beasely has been killed by Fozzie Bear last night!"

"Leave me out of this." Said Jenny, as she walked out of bed to get ready for work.

Author's Note: Fozzie saying that him without Janice was like Poca without Hontas was inspired by the Ben Vereen episode of The Muppet Show, in which Fozzie accidentally locks himself in a box. He said that him without the Muppet Show was like Gilbert without Sullivan, ham without cheese, and Poca without Hontas.

Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 3

Later that night, Richard arrived at the entrance of Cyclia. When he knocked on the door, Bobo the Bear peeked through the hole.

"What's your name?" Bobo asked.

"Richard Jewel." Said the detective.

"Sorry," Said Bobo. "I don't see your name on the guest list."

"Okay," Said Rich. "Mark Hamill." Bobo then looked at the list again.

"Yep!" Said Bobo. "You're on the list! You may come inside." Bobo opened the door and was surprised to see 'Mr. Hamill'. "Say, you look younger than I remember."

"Prosthetic makeup." Replied Rich. As he went inside the building, he heard two familiar voices: It was Bert and Ernie on a stage, and they were entertaining human adults.

"Ernie, what should we do for our act?" Asked Bert.

"Maybe we could do the game of rhymes!" Replied Ernie.

"But Ernie! We're in front of live adults!" Bert protested.

"We'll just have to wait until the lobster molts!" Said Ernie.

"It's just not what I want to do."

"Wiggle your finger and waggle your shoe."

"Ernie, I don't want to play a game of rhymes!"

"Nice going, Bert. I'll ring my chimes."

"I don't wanna do it."

"There's really nothing to it."

"Stop it, please!"

"A dog has fleas."

Also working at Cyclia were penguins, the Swedish Chef, and Rowlf the Dog. As Rich walked closer to the stage, someone squirted him with ink. It was Chuck Beasley, son of legendary comedian Gags Beasley. Chuck started chuckling, but Rich didn't think it was funny.

"You think that's funny?" He asked.

"It's a panic!" Replied Chuck. However, Rich was angry at him and held him by the shirt.

"You won't think it's funny if I stick that pen up your nose!" He threatened.

"Calm down, bro." He said. "It's disappearing ink. No hard feelings, I suppose." When Rich looked at his jacket, the stain disappeared. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm-"

"I know who you are." Richard interrupted. "You're Chuck Beasley, the guy that owns Puppetown. The son of comedian Gags Beasley."

"In the flesh." Said Chuck. "Give me a shake, pal!" Rich extended his hand towards Chuck, but the detective got shocked, instead. "The hand buzzer. Still our biggest seller after all these years!" As Chuck laughed to himself, a penguin came by to ask Rich for a drink.

"What would you like to drink, sir?" He asked.

"Scotch on the rocks." He said. "And I mean ice!"

"Right away, sir!" Said the penguin, and he zoomed off to the Swedish Chef's kitchen. Meanwhile, back on the stage, Bert finally decided to play along with Ernie.

"All right, all right. I give up." He said.

"Eat from a plate and drink from a cup." Said Ernie.

"I guess I'll just have to play along."

"It plays like a game and sings like a song."

"You may be right, I may be wrong."

"A clock goes tick, and a bell goes bong."

"This game is really kind of kicky."

"Sugar is sweet and glue is sticky!"

"It's a great kind of game to play with a friend."

"And now, old buddy, we've come to the end."

"End? As in it's over?" Asked Bert. "But I was just getting the hang of it!"

"Sorry, Bert," Said Ernie. "But Miss Janice has to go on."

"Alright, Ernie." Said Bert, as the two walked off the stage. "But maybe we could do it again after work!" As soon as the curtain closed, the penguin arrived with Rich's drink. It was Scotch, alright, but it had rocks instead of ice.

"Puppets." He said to himself.

"Bunch of weirdos, if you ask me." Said a familiar voice. It was Miss Piggy, and she was selling DVDs. "Is that you, Richard Jewel?"

"Piggy?" He asked.

"Long time no see." Said the pig.

"What are you doing here?" Asked Rich.

"Moi wants to star in her own movie," Said Piggy. "But alas, I don't have the funds. So, I'm working on a series of odd jobs to fund my own movie! I call it 'All About Moi'."

"Good luck with that." Said Rich. Suddenly, the lights dimmed, the curtain rose, and the audience howled in delight. Even Chuck Beasely was acting crazy.

"What's with him?" Asked Rich.

"Mr. Beasely never misses a night when Janice performs." Replied Piggy. An orange feminine humanoid Muppet with blonde hair and Lamb Chop-esque eyes walked onto the stage and started singing the classic song 'I'm a Woman'. It was Fozzie's wife Janice, and Richard was baffled.

"She's married to Fozzie Bear?" He asked. "But she's not even a bear!"

"And I'm married to a frog," Said Piggy. "Yet here we are." She then closed Rich's mouth and walked off. Throughout the song, Janice teased men in the audience, regardless if they were single or not. After she finished her song, Rich followed Chuck Beasely to Janice's dressing room. Once Chuck was inside, he placed his ear against the door so he could listen. Little did he know that Bobo the Bear was behind him, and he was mad. Not because he was spying on Janice, but because he realized he was tricked.

"You're not Mark Hamill!" He said. "Hamill was absent today! I have no choice but to throw you out, sir." Bobo grabbed Rich and threw him out in the garbage.

"That's just great." Said Rich. "How am I supposed to take a picture of Janice and Chuck together?" Oscar then popped out of one of the trash cans to give him advice.

"You could always take a picture through the window." He snickered, and that's exactly what Richard did. When he finally took pictures of Janice and Chuck, they were playing patty cake. Literally.

Author's Notes: Gags Beasley was an unseen character who was mentioned frequently on The Muppet Show. He was Fozzie Bear's joke writer who wrote the notorious Banana Sketch in the Sandy Duncan episode.

The rhyming game that Bert and Ernie play in this chapter was taken from a 1975 episode of Sesame Street. You can watch this funny sketch in the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMMRI7H8sEI

Janice singing 'I'm a Woman' is inspired by Miss Piggy and Raquel Welch singing the same song on The Muppet Show.

Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 2

As Rich walked out of Kirk Thatcher's office, he encountered several Muppets like Big Bird, Oscar, Robin the Frog, Scooter, and the little-known Howard Tubman. Once he left the studio, Richard encountered a taxi driver, paid him 10 bucks, and took a ride to his wife Jenny's restaurant in Manhattan, which she inherited after her father died. The taxi driver was confused by this.

"Don't you have a car?" He asked.

"Who needs a car in New York when you can ride a taxi for a cheaper price?" Replied Rich. The truth was, Richard and Jenny weren't exactly wealthy: They didn't have modern cellphones, most of their furniture was from the 20th Century, and they still used VHS. After a half-hour drive, Rich arrived at the restaurant. When he went inside, one of the customers was depressed with his head on a table.

"What's with him?" Asked Rich.

"Laid off." Said another customer. "The taxi service got bought out by some big company called Mad Man Money. Triple M for short."

"No kidding." Said Rich. "They bought the taxi service?"

"Yeah." Said the customer. "Put poor Jerry on a two weeks notice." As the customer walked away, Rich saw a glass of root beer on the counter. He was about to take a drink, but then, a hand covered it. It was Jenny Castillanos, who helped the Muppets get on Broadway over 30 years earlier.

"Tomorrow's Friday, Richie." She said. "Know what happens on Friday?"

"Baklava discount?" He joked.

"The tax collector comes on Friday." She said. "And if I don't have that money I gave you, I'm going to lose my job!"

"Don't bust a button, Jennifer." Said Richard, handing her the check. "You only have one left."

"Fifty bucks?" She said in amazement. "Where's the rest?"

"Kirk Thatcher has it." Said Rich. "Do you still have that camera? It's for my job." Jenny looked in the pantry, and a rat gave her a Polaroid camera, which she handed to Richard.

"I haven't' had the film developed since our honeymoon in Florida." She said. "Sure was a long time ago."

"It was a long time ago." Said Rich. "We should do that again sometime."

"So, you said Kirk Thatcher gave it to you?" Asked Jenny. "As in that Muppet guy?"

"Muppet guy?" Said a voice. It was Jared Weisner, who would rat you out for a dollar. "Who's your client, Sherlock Felt? Kermit the Frog or Charlie McCarthy?"

"What would you like?" Asked Jenny.

"I'll have a BLT, toots." Replied Jared, who continued teasing Rich. "So what happened? Did Uncle Traveling Matt get lost in Outer Space?"

"Cut it out, Jared." Said Jenny, who was starting to get annoyed.

"Wait a minute, I know." Said Jared. "Cookie Monster lost his cookies, and you're going to help him find them!" As Jared continued laughing, Richard popped his cork and pinned him against the counter.

"Get this straight, meatball." Said Rich. "I don't work for puppets!" He stuffed an egg in Jared's mouth and stormed off.

"What's his problem?" Asked Jared, spitting out the egg.

"A puppet killed his brother." Said Jenny, and all the customers were shocked. "He dropped a piano on his head from 15 stories."

Jenny was right. A couple years earlier, Rich had a brother named Paul, and the two of them would solve puppet crimes together. When Paul got killed, however, Rich developed a grudge for puppets.

Author's Notes: Jenny was a human character in The Muppets Take Manhattan. She was a waitress in her late teens who helped her father Pete with his restaurant, and would also help the Muppets get to Broadway. In this story, she plays the role of Eddie Valiant's girlfriend, Dolores.

Jared Weisner is named after a bully I encountered in 5th and 6th Grade, who made fun of me just because I liked Pokémon.

Mad Man Money, Triple M for short, is named after the car dealer Mad Man Mooney in The Muppet Movie.

Charlie McCarthy was a puppet character (but not a Muppet) created by Jim Henson's hero, ventriloquist Edgar Bergan. Charlie was part of Bergen's act as early as high school, and by 1930, was suited up in his famous top hat, tuxedo, and monocle. Charlie's personality was that of a mischievous little boy (with an Irish accent), who could wisecrack, misbehave, and flirt shamelessly in a way that Bergen couldn't. He and Edgar Bergan appeared in a Season 2 episode of The Muppet Show, along with another Bergan creation, the dim-witted Mortimer Snerd.

After Edgar Bergan died in 1978, Charlie McCarthy retired, and he was placed on display at the Smithsonian. Here's a clip of Edgar and Charlie appearing at a ceremony for Orson Wells.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brT6gXdhLWk

Anyway, Charlie will appear in Chapter 10, when he sky-dives with Kermit.

Uncle Traveling Matt was Gobo's uncle on Fraggle Rock who, after exploring every nook and cranny in Fraggle Rock, decided to venture into Outer Space (which the Fraggles call the human world) and makes several observations on Silly Creatures (humans). Matt encountered Sidewalk Creatures (parking meters), a wish-granting creature (Santa Claus), flying creatures (balloons and kites), and mouth-burners (people who smoke) during his adventures in Outer Space.

Uncle Matt testing out the Silly Creature's Transport System, which was actually a rollercoaster.

Howard Tubman was a gluttonous and obese pig who appeared on Muppets Tonight. He appeared on the 'Tubmans of Porksmith' and 'Boarshead Revisited' sketches.

Who Framed Fozzie Bear Chapter 1

Before we start, here's a word from Joe the Legal Weasel.

The Muppets and Star Wars are owned by The Walt Disney Company.

Sesame Street is owned by Sesame Workshop and HBO.

Fraggle Rock is owned by The Jim Henson Company.

Lamb Chop is owned by Universal Studios and the Estate of Shari Lewis.

Charlie McCarthy is courtesy of the Estate of Edgar Bergan.

Between the Lions is owned by WGBH.

The Muppet Show theme. Written by Jim Henson and Sam Pottle. Courtesy of Walt Disney Records.

The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down. Written by Cliff Friend and Dave Franklin. Courtesy of Harms Inc.

Hey a Movie! Written by Joe Raposo. Courtesy of Walt Disney Records.

Any relations to people living or dead is coincidental.

This concludes our word from Joe from Legal.

It was September 2019 in New York City. In a world where humans and puppets live with one another, the Muppets resident comedian Fozzie Bear was trying to juggle pies, but he can't seem to catch any of them. This is where our hero, hard-boiled detective Richard 'Rich' Jewel, was visiting the Muppets Studios (not the Muppet Theater) so he could get a $100 check from Muppet CEO Kirk Thatcher. When Richard entered the office, he was watching a pilot for Muppets NOW, but had to pause it so he could talk to the detective about his assignment.

"What do you know about show business, Mr. Jewel?" Thatcher asked.

"Only there's no business like it, no business I know." Replied Rich.

"And no business more expensive." Said Thatcher. "I'm over budget on Muppets NOW, and want to know why?"

"The bear can't catch any pies?" Asked Rich.

"Exactly!" Said Thatcher. "We baked over 50 pies, and Fozzie couldn't catch a single one of them. Read this." He then handed Rich a newspaper.

"'Electric Mayhem bandmember Janice quit the music business to marry less-than-stellar comedian Fozzie Bear.'" Rich read. "Hey, I thought Janice was dating Floyd Pepper!"

"Not in this story." Said Thatcher. "Anyway, I want you to follow Janice to take pictures of her to stir up the bear with."

"Forget it." Said Rich, who had a prejudice towards puppets because of an event that happened years ago. "I don't work for Puppetown."

"What's wrong with Puppetown?" Asked Thatcher. "Every Tom, Dick, and Harry loves Puppetown!"

"Then get one of them to do the job, cause I ain't going." Replied Rich, who started walking away, but Thatcher grabbed him.

"That's fine." He said. "You don't have to go to Puppetown. Have a seat, Jewel." Rich sat down on a chair. "The bear's wife sings at a joint called Cyclia. No puppets allowed, and strictly humans only! How about it, Mr. Jewel?" Richard walked behind Kirk Thatcher's desk to get a bottle of root beer.

"It'll cost you a hundred bucks." Replied Rich.

"A hundred bucks?" Asked Thatcher. "That's ridiculous!"

"So is the job." Replied Rich.

"All right." Said Thatcher, handing Rich a check for $50. "You get your hundred bucks. Have a drink."

"Don't mind if I do." Said Rich, and he poured himself a glass. He peeked out the window, and there were two men carrying a cage with pink and purple aliens inside. However, one of the men dropped it, and the aliens, who were literally connected to one another, started playing a strange song. As Rich was watching mildly amused, a large, brown, and furry pachyderm blocked his view.

"Hello." Said the pachyderm, and Rich hid under a chair.

"No need to be alarmed." Said Thatcher. "It's just Snuffleupagus."

"I know who it is." Said Richard.

"I got him on loan from Joan Cooney." Said Thatcher, grabbing a cookie from the pantry. "Him and 50 other Muppets from Sesame Street. And the best part is, they work for cookies."

"Cocoanut, please!" Said Snuffy.

"Already on it!" Said Thatcher, extending his hand to the window. Snuffy used his snuffle to grab the cookie, ate it, and walked off.

"Well, I don't work for cookies." Said Rich. "Where's the other fifty?"

"Take some pictures of Janice, and I'll give you the other fifty." Replied Thatcher.

"Deal!" Said Rich, and he walked out of the studio to ask his wife Jenny for a camera.

Author's Notes: Richard Jewel is named after Muppet writer Jerry Juhl and puppeteer Richard Hunt. Hunt's many characters included Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Sweetums, and Janice on The Muppet Show, the Two-Headed Monster, Forgetful Jones, Gladys the Cow, and Don Music on Sesame Street, and Junior Gorg and Gunge on Fraggle Rock. He unfortunately died in 1992 at the age of 40 due to AIDS.

Cyclia was a night club that Jim Henson proposed during the mid 60s that would've been a peak into the year 2000. Henson envisioned that the walls, floors, and ceiling of the club would be broken into faceted, crystal-like shapes onto which films would be projected—completely immersing patrons in a sea of images, choreographed precisely to the volume and type of music being played. Once an hour, a woman in a white leotard would rise from a pedestal in the center of the floor to have film projected on her body as she danced. It would be, as Henson proposed, a very fashionable place, with "a definite prestige atmosphere and as such [the cover charge] would be expensive." Cyclia would've looked like this.

The pink and purple aliens in this chapter are the Fazoobs, who appeared in the Steve Martin episode of The Muppet Show. These strange characters would play each other like instruments, and according to The Muppets Character Encyclopedia, are unpopular on both Earth and their home planet Koozbane.

For those unfamiliar, Janice was a guitarist in the Electric Mayhem band on The Muppet Show. She also played a nurse on the 'Veterinarian's Hospital' sketches with Piggy and Dr. Bob (played by Rowlf).