A Loud Legend Redux Chapter 9

Oonski just knocked over a top of a tree with his mace, and his loyal anhinga dropped a bunny plush. He dropped down and spoke to his fellow Coons.

"What do you see?" Asked Oonski, giving the plush to a large rat.

"Sea prunes, from the Arctic Ocean." Said the rat. A squirrel grabbed it and noticed a hair.

"White fur from polar dogs." Said the squirrel with a French accent. A yellow beaver with a purple nose smelt it and noticed something fishy (no pun intended).

"La and Tui." He said. "Spirits of the Ocean and Moon." He gave the plush back to Oonski.

"This plush came from the Water Tribe in Ontario," Said the beaver Viking. "Where the Royal Woods army is waiting for us."

"We can avoid them easily." Said another squirrel.

"No." Protested Oonski. "The quickest way to Hillwood is through that pass. And besides, the child will be missing his plush. We should return it to her."

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Back at DeLisle Isle, Lincoln was about to bathe in the lake with his underwear on, but Craig didn't think it's a good idea.

"This is not a good idea." Said the pint-sized serpent. "What if somebody sees you?"

"Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one." Said Lincoln, wiping off his makeup.

"So a few men don't rinse their socks." Said Craig. "Picky, picky, picky. I personally like that corn chip smell." Lincoln jumped in the lake, but luckily, his fake facial hair still remained.

"All right. That's enough." Said Craig "Now get out before you get all wrinkly and stuff."

"If you're so worried, why don't you go stand watch?" Asked Lincoln. Craig agreed to his dismay, and he imitated Lincoln privately.

"Great idea." He said, while also mocking Lincoln. "'Stand watch, Craig, while I blow our secret with my stupid feminine habits.' Pfft. Hygiene." Suddenly, Heffer, Harold, and Sid all ran towards the lake!

"We're doomed!" Said Craig. "If they see Lincoln's acne, he'll end up looking white and red with black all over!" Meanwhile, in the pond, the gang of three noticed 'Collin'.

"Hey, guys." Said Lincoln, covering his acne with a lily pad. "I didn't know you were here. I was just washing. So now I'm clean, and now I'm gonna go." Lincoln hid behind a rock.

"Come back here." Said Sid. "I know we were jerks to you before, so let's start over. Hi, I'm Sid."

"And I'm Heffer." Said the yellow steer.

"Hello, Heffer." Said Lincoln shyly.

"And I am Harold," Said Harold, standing on top of a rock. "King of the rock! And there's nothing you sissies can do about it!"

"Oh, yeah?" Said Sid. "I bet Collin and I can take you."

"I don't want to take him anywhere." Said Lincoln, placing leaves on his pimples.

"But Collin, we have to fight!" Begged Sid.

"No we don't." Said Lincoln. "We could just close our eyes and swim around."

"Come on. Don't be such a..." Suddenly, Sid felt a bite on his behind, and Craig popped out of the water.

"What a nasty flavor." He said.

"Eel!" Shrieked Sid, and Heffer and Harold became afraid as well. While they were distracted, Lincoln whistled for Lynnda, and she came to his aid. She helped Lincoln get out of the lake, with Craig on her tail (literally). Heffer, Harold, and Sid were now all standing on the rock.

"Some king of the rock." Muttered Sid, but Harold punched him. Meanwhile, Lincoln, Lynnda, and Craig were all walking out of the pond and back to his tent.

"Boy, that was close." Said Lincoln, peeling the leaves off his face.

"No, that was vile." Said Craig, brushing his teeth. "You owe me big!"

"I don't want to see a naked man ever again," Stated Lincoln. "Or at least, until I'm 25." Regardless, a whole group of men went charging towards the lake.

"Don't look at me." Said Craig. "I ain't biting any more butts."

Author's Notes: The squirrel with a French accent is one of Les Squirrels in Harvey Beaks.

The large rat is Snap Trap, the antagonist of the rather disappointing Nicktoon TUFF Puppy. He's a bit like Dr. Heinz Doofenschmirtz from Phineas and Ferb but as a rat.

The beaver with yellow fur and a purple nose is Norbert, one of The Angry Beavers.

We'll see Norbert again, along with his brother Daggett, in Chapter 13.
The bunny plush is a nod to Bun-Bun, a stuffed animal that Lincoln secretly sleeps with in The Loud House. 
The koi fish La and Tui were mystic koi that resided in the Southern Water Tribe in Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Sea prunes are also from Avatar. It's a small fruit that lives in the ocean, and was a popular delicacy for Water Benders.

A Loud Legend Redux Chapter 8

The next morning, Lincoln was sleeping in a tent. Craig picked up Flecko and started twisting his wings like a key in a wind-up toy. Flecko then started buzzing like a bumblebee, and Lincoln woke up.

"Rise and shine, Prince Charming!" Said Craig, pulling the blanket off of Lincoln. "Get your clothes on. Get ready. I got breakfast for ya." Craig held a bowl of cereal in his coils.

"See? It's cereal, and it's happy to see you." In the bowl were letter-shaped pieces of cereal that spelt 'Good morning'. Flecko popped out of the cereal, and Craig tossed the fly aside. "Get out of there! You're gonna make people sick."

"Am I late?" Asked a drowsy Lincoln.

"No time to talk." Said the tiny serpent. Craig then used a spoon to feed cereal to Lincoln as if he were a baby. "It's your first day of training. Listen to your teacher and no fighting. Play nice with the other kids, unless they wanna fight. Then you have to kick the other kid's butt."

"But I don't want to kick the other kid's butt." Said Lincoln, with his mouth full of cereal.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." Said Craig. "Now let's see your war face." Lincoln then let out a fierce growl, smothering the serpent in chewed-up cereal.

"Yes, that's the spirit!" Said Craig. "Now, get out there and make me proud!" Lynn then poked her head through the tent and whinnied.

"What do you mean 'the troops just left'?" Asked Craig.

"They WHAT?" Asked Lincoln. He put on his clothes and rushed out of his tent.

"Wait, you forgot your sword!" Said Craig. "There goes my hatchling, off to destroy people."
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Meanwhile, at the camp, Squidward said "Order! Order!"

"I'd like a Jellyfish Jelly Roll!" Said a recruit named Twister Rodriquez.

"I'd like a liver taco with extra guacamole!" Said a slightly obese man with brown hair, a pointy nose, and an eye-patch on his left eye.

"A Chokey Chicken special!" Said Heffer.

"That's not funny." Said Squidward. 'Collin' entered the scene, and Harold, Heffer, and Sid started teasing him.

"Looks like our new friend slept in this morning." Said Sid. "Hello, Collin. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah." Said Harold. "And I owe you a knuckle sandwich!" Before he could slug 'Collin', Ronnie Anne, who now had her hair down, started the training session.

"Soldiers!" She said. "You will assemble quickly and silently every morning. Anyone who acts otherwise will answer to me."

"Oh, no. A girl!" Mocked Harold. "I'm so scared! Ha ha ha ha!"

"Harold." Said Ronnie Anne, aiming an arrow at him. Instead, she shot the arrow at a flagpole. "Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow."

"I'll get that arrow, tomboy." Harold softly mumbled to himself. "And I'll do it with my hair up." Once he reached the pole, Ronnie Anne interrupted him. Squidward was holding a small but heavy box.

"One moment." She said. "You seem to be missing something." She opened the box, and it revealed two heavy discs.

"This represents discipline." She said, putting the disc on Harold's right hand. "And this represents strength." She put another disc on Harold's left hand, making him fall to the ground. Sid and Heffer couldn't help but laugh. "You need both to reach the arrow."

Harold tried climbing, but he didn't use the discs, and he failed the task. Sid, Heffer, and 'Collin' also failed.

"We have a long way to go." Said Ronnie Anne. She handed everyone long sticks, and she started to sing.

Ronnie Anne: Let's get down to business

(Breaks two vases with her stick)

To defeat the Coons

(A soldier sticks a bug down Lincoln's shirt, making him knock everyone else down)

I have asked for strong men

But instead, got loons!

You're the saddest bunch I ever met

But you can bet before we're through

(Ronnie Anne holds Lincoln by his shirt)

Mister, I'll make a man out of you!

(The next assignment was archery, and the soldiers had to aim seven arrows at a tree)

Tranquil as a forest

(The soldiers couldn't hit the tree, and Craig placed a tomato Lincoln's arrow, making him cheat)

But on fire within

(The next task was to hit a fellow soldier with several rocks, while the hapless soldier had to deflect rocks thrown at him)

Once you find your center

You are sure to win

(Harold, Heffer, and Sid throw rocks at Lincoln, and Lincoln dodges all of them)

You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot

And you haven't got a clue

(Next, the soldiers had to catch fish)

Somehow I'll make a man

(Lincoln catches Harold's foot instead)

Out of you!

(Heffer and Harold run throw a field of flaming arrows)

Harold: I'm never gonna catch my breath

(Heffer gets hit with an arrow)

Heffer: Say good-bye to those who knew me!

(Sid has to break a cinder block with his face)

Sid: Boy, was I a fool in school

(He breaks his teeth instead)

For cutting gym

(Lincoln and Ronnie Anne fight hand-to-hand combat, but Lincoln gets slugged by the female captain and got a black eye)

Craig: This girl's got them scared to death

(Craig squeezes a sponge over Lincoln)

Lincoln: Hope she doesn't see right through me

(Harold has to cross water)

Harold: Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!

(Harold falls into the water and grabs a life preserver)

(Next, the soldiers have to hit a stuffed beaver with a cannonball)

Soldiers: Be a man

Ronnie Anne: We must be swift as the coursing river

(The soldiers all miss)

Soldiers: Be a man

(Sid replaces Lincoln's cannonball with a boomerang pet ball)

Ronnie Anne: With all the force of a great typhoon

(When the cannon fires, the ball nearly hits the beaver, but it turns around)

Soldiers: Be a man

(Lincoln dodges the ball, but it instead, hits Squidward)

Ronnie Anne: With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

(Everyone is carrying a barbell on their backs the next morning, but Lincoln is behind)

Time is racing towards us

Till the Coons arrive

(Lincoln falls down, and Ronnie Anne doesn't approve)

Head my every order

And you might survive

(It's now nighttime, and Ronnie Anne gives up and gives Lincoln his backpack)

You're unsuited for the rage of war

So pack up, go home, you're through!

How can I make a man out of you?

Before he was about to say his farewells, Lincoln tried one more time to reach the arrow. Using the ropes that were attached to the heavy discs, he climbed up the pole slowly but steadily. It took until morning, but Lincoln finally made it to the top and retrieved the arrow. From then on, all the soldiers could do their training tasks flawlessly. In the last week of training, the soldiers hit vases with their sticks perfectly. They were ready to fight Oonski.

Author's Notes: Jellyfish Jelly Rolls were a dessert from Rocket Power, but I unfortunately forget which episode.

The Chokey Chicken was a chain of restaurants in Rocko's Modern Life, and was a favorite of Heffer's.

The slightly obese man with brown hair, a pointy nose, and an eye-patch on his left eye was Hector Flannagan, a character from Sanjay and Craig.

In case you're wondering about his eye-patch, Hector's eye is not injured: The creators admitted that he has the eye-patch so he can see better.

The boomerang pet ball was from the SpongeBob episode 'Gary Takes a Bath'.

A Loud Legend Redux Chapter 7

The next morning, Lincoln and Lynn appeared at the outskirts of DeLisle Isle. Lincoln was practicing to act like an adult. However, Lincoln was still going through puberty, so his voice cracked at times.

"I see you have a sword." He said. "I've got one, too! They're pretty manly and tough." While trying to pull the sword out of his pocket, Lincoln dropped it, and Lynn couldn't help but laugh. Lincoln threw a rock at his horse.

"I'm working on it!" Said Lincoln. "Who am I fooling? It's going to take me a miracle to get in the army." Suddenly, a shadow of a serpentine creature appeared on a rock, and there was fire below!

"Did I hear someone ask for a miracle?" Asked the silhouette. "Let me hear you say aah!"

"AAAHHHH!!!" Screamed Lincoln.

"That's close enough!" Responded the silhouette. "Lincoln, your treacherous salvation is at hand, for I've been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade! If the army finds out you're a teen, the penalty is death!"

"Who are you?" Asked Lincoln.

"Who am I? Who am I?! I'm the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Craigory!" Craig crawled out from behind the rock with Flecko by his side. "But you can call me Craig." Lynn stomped on the reptile in disgust. Lincoln was surprised at what he actually saw.

"My ancestors sent a garter snake to help me?" He asked.

"Serpent, serpent. I'm no snake." Said Craig. "I don't smell with my tongue." He then flicked out his tongue.

"You're..." Lincoln was at a loss of words.

"Intimidating?" Asked Craig. "Awe-inspiring?"

"Tiny." Said Lincoln.

"I'm travel-sized, for your convenience!" Lied Craig. "If I were my real size, your llama here would die of fright." Lynn growled at the serpent. "Down, Lynnda. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For example, I can see straight through your clothing." Offended by that, Lincoln punched Craig.

"That's it!" Said an angry Craig. "Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this." Flecko started writing on a leaf. "Dishonor on you, dishonor on your llama, dis..."

"Stop, I'm sorry." Pleaded Lincoln. "I'm just nervous. I never fought in the army before."

"Then you have to trust me." Said Craig. "And don't slug me anymore, please?"

"Deal." Said Lincoln.

"Well, let's get this show on the road!" Said Craig. The four of them walked over to the camp. With fear that using modern artillery weapons would destroy the whole planet, Mayor Sarah Dixie suggested that they should use, for the most part, old-school weapons. Anyway, when the quartet arrived, Lincoln couldn't believe how disgusting the men were. Lincoln may have been a boy himself, but at least he cleaned up after himself.

"They're disgusting." Said Lincoln.

"No, they're men." Said Craig. "And you have to act just like them, so pay attention." Lincoln and Craig walked over to three scouts, one of which Lincoln recognized. It was Clyde McBride, his African-American friend back in Royal Woods.

"This tattoo will protect me from harm." Said Clyde, with a (temporary) tattoo of a very familiar face on his forehead. A man in blue clothing, who was both obese and muscular at the same time, punched Clyde, and he got his nose broken. Aside him was a skinny man with messy black hair, a black jacket, and a pink pickle-shaped nose, who laughed at Clyde's misfortune.

"I hope you can get your money back!" He said. Lincoln's pupils dilated in horror.

"I don't think I can do this." Lincoln said to Craig.

"It's all attitude." Said the tiny serpent. "Be tough, like this guy here!" Lincoln focused his eyes on the obese soldier, who goes by the name of Harold Berman.

"What are you looking at?" Asked Harold. Craig gave Lincoln more advice.

"Punch him. That's how men say hello." Lincoln punches Harold, and Harold bumps into an anthropomorphic yellow cow with red pants and green hair. He goes by the name of Heffer Wolfe.

"Harold." He said. "It seems you've made a friend."

"Now slap them on the behind." Craig said to Lincoln. "They like that." Lincoln slapped Harold on the behind, but he got very angry and held Lincoln by his shirt.

"I'm going to hit you so hard," Threatened Harold. "It'll send you to China!" Heffer grabbed Harold to calm him down.

"It seems you need to get some anger out." Said the cow. He chanted in some strange dialect, while still holding Harold, and Harold calmed down. "Feel better?"

"I guess." Said Harold, while Lincoln was walking away. "Besides, you're not worth my time, chicken boy." Offended by this, Craig popped out from behind Lincoln's backpack and insulted Harold back.

"Chicken boy?" Said Craig. "Say that to my face, Mr. Fudgey!" Upon hearing that, Harold grabbed Lincoln, but Lincoln ducked, and Harold hit the pickle-nosed soldier by accident.

"Oh. Sorry, Sid." Said Harold. Lincoln was crawling away, but Harold grabbed him. Sid, who was on his back, kicked Harold by mistake, and Harold flew into Heffer. While the three were fighting, Lincoln made a run for it. However, this didn't get unnoticed by Sid. He, Harold, and Heffer followed Lincoln, and the white-haired teen led them into a small barn. Lincoln hid behind a bale of hay, while the gang of three bumped into a long line of soldiers waiting to be fed crab meat, spilling crab meat everywhere. They all got angry and started ganging up on Lincoln.
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Meanwhile in another tent, Bobby Santiago, with Squidward by his side, was showing a captain-in-training a map of where the Coons struck. The captain-in-training was Ronnie Anne Santiago, Bobby's sister. She was about Lincoln's age with black hair in a ponytail, a purple jacket, and blue jeans.

"The Coons struck here, here, and here." Said Bobby. "I will lead my troops to Ontario before Oonski destroys the Water Tribe."

"Excellent strategy, sir!" Said Squidward. "I do love surprises."

"Ronnie Anne." Bobby said to his younger sister. "You will stay and train the new recruits. When Squidward believes you're ready, you'll join me and Lori... Captain." Bobby gave his sister a sword, and Ronnie Anne blushed with delight.

"A teenage captain?" Asked Squidward. "This is preposterous, General Santiago! Couldn't we have someone like Lieutenant Major Goose to train the new recruits?"

"She's #1 in her class and has extensive knowledge on training techniques." Said Bobby. "Not to mention her handsome good looks coming from me. I believe Ronnie Anne will do an excellent job."

"I will, hermano mayor." Said Ronnie Anne. "I won't let you down."

"Very good, then." Said Bobby. "We'll toast Michigan's victory in Hillwood, New York. General Von Strangle will expect a report in three weeks." Bobby soon left the tent.

"And I won't leave anything out." Said Squidward, and he left too. Ronnie Anne was alone in the tent now.

"Captain Ronnie Anne Santiago." She said with confidence. "Leader of Michigan's finest troops. The greatest troops of all time!" When she stepped out, however, all the soldiers were fighting, and Bobby was surprised by this. A scrawny man with Bart Simpson-like hair, a yellow shirt, and small glasses saluted to the Santiago siblings and Squidward, right before he passed out.

"Most impressive." Said Squidward with sarcasm. Bobby went on his horse to get ready for battle.

"Good luck, capitana. And sister." He said, and he, along with his whole troop of soldiers, left the camp to fight Oonski.

"Good luck, brother. And General." Said Ronnie Anne softly. The soldiers in Ronnie Anne's troop, however, were still fighting.

"Day One." Said Squidward. Ronnie walked over to the squabbling soldiers and broke up the fight.

"Soldiers!" She commanded. The soldiers assembled and pointed at a cowering Lincoln.

"He started it!" They said in unison. Lincoln sat up and looked at Ronnie Anne.

"I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp." She said.

"Sorry." Said Lincoln, but then he deepened his voice to make it sound more convincing. "I mean, sorry you had to see that. But you know those masculine urges and you just gotta kill something!"

"What is your name?" Asked Ronnie Anne. Lincoln just stuttered in fear.

"Your commanding officer just asked you a question!" Said Squidward.

"How about Sid?" Whispered Craig.

"His name is Sid." Said Lincoln.

"I didn't ask for his name." Said Ronnie Anne. "I asked for your name!"

"How about...." Craig suddenly sneezed. "Aa-choo!"

"Ah-Chu?" Asked Lincoln.

"Ah-Chu?!" Asked Ronnie Anne, starting to get angry.

"Gesundheit. Ha ha ha!" Laughed Craig.

"Craig..." Said Lincoln.

"CRAIG?" Asked Ronnie Anne.

"No." Answered Lincoln.

"Then WHAT is it?!" Asked an enraged Ronnie Anne.

"Collin!" Said Craig. "Collin was my best friend growing up!"

"It's Collin." Said Lincoln.

"Of course, Collin did steal my..." Lincoln shut up the reptile before Ronnie Anne got any angrier.

"My name's Collin." Said Lincoln.

"Let me see your draft." She commanded, and Lincoln gave her the envelope from yesterday. She opened it and was surprised. "Loud? As in Lynnard Loud?"

"I thought Lynnard only had daughters." Said Squidward.

"He doesn't talk about me much." Said Lincoln, trying to spit a loogie, but it just dangled from his mouth.

"I can see why." Said Squidward. "That boy's an absolute lunatic." Ronnie Anne then began to speak to the other soldiers.

"Okay, gentleman." She said. "Thanks to your new lame-o friend Collin, you'll spend the night picking up every piece of crab meat. And tomorrow, the real work begins." Heffer, Harold, and Sid looked at Lincoln with anger in their eyes.

"We need to work on your people skills." Said Craig, even though it was kind of his fault.

Author's Notes: The scrawny man with a yellow shirt, small glasses, and Bart Simpson-like hair is Brainy, a character from Hey Arnold. Helga would hit him whenever she got the chance.

The name 'Collin' came from Collin Dean, one of the voice actors for Lincoln. For about 75% of Season 1 of The Loud House, Lincoln was voiced by Grant Palmer. However, he was going through puberty, so he was replaced with Collin Dean, starting with the episode 'One of the Boys', only for him to be eventually replaced as well. Dean was also the voice of Gregory in Over the Garden Wall.

Lieutenant Major Goose was from the Hey Arnold episode 'New Teacher', in which, after the kids are tired of Mr. Simmons, they get him fired and he gets replaced with a very strict military sergeant named Major Goose.

Mr. Fudgey was a brand of candy that was a favorite of Harold's in Hey Arnold.

The tattoo on Clyde's forehead happens to be Lori Loud, Lincoln's oldest sister in The Loud House, whom Clyde had an obnoxious crush on for a while.
The crab meat is a nod to the Krabby Patties on SpongeBob.
I am aware that Hillwood in Hey Arnold is located in Washington State and not New York, but I felt like Washington would be too far to walk.

A Loud Legend Redux Chapter 6

As if it were magic, one of the ghosts of the ancestors rose from his grave in the cemetery. He took on the form of a large black rat. Splinter was his name.

"Craigory." Said Splinter. "Awaken." The serpent-shaped oil lamp melted and came to life, revealing a small green snake-like creature. This is Craigory, but he prefers to be called Craig.

"IT'S ALIVE!" He said. "So, tell me what mortal needs my protection, Master Splinter. You just say the word and I'm there. If anyone tries to threaten our family, vengeance will be mine!"

"Craigory!" Commanded Splinter, pointing at statues of various characters. "These are the guardians. They..."

"Protect the family." Said Craig.

"And what do you do, demoted one?" Said Splinter, pointing to an empty spot of which Craig used to sit on.

"I ring the gong." Said the small serpent.

"That's right." Said Splinter. "Now, wake up the ancestors."

"One family reunion coming right up!" Said Craig, and he started banging the gong, waking up many ancestors.

"I knew it! I knew it!" Said Great Grandmother Harriet. "That Lincoln was a troublemaker from the start!"

"Don't look at me." Said a green ghost with a pirate's outfit on. "He gets it from your side of the family."

"He's just trying to protect his father." Said Grandpa Albert.

"But if he's discovered," Said an uncle with an 80's calculator. "Lynnard will be forever shamed. Dishonor will come to the family. Traditional values will disintegrate!"

"Not to mention they'll lose the farm." Said a grandfather with a pointy nose and a white mustache.

"Let the guardian bring him back." Recommended a stout ghost with blue skin and overalls.

"Awaken the most cunning!" Said the Flying Dutchman, the green ghost in the pirate suit, picking up Craig and pointing him to a statue of a monster holding his own eyeballs.

"No, the swiftest." Said the pointy-nosed farmer, grabbing Craig and pointing him to a cow-like statue.

"No, send the wisest." Said another green ghost, this one with a bald head, glasses, and a lab coat, who grabbed Craig and pointed him to a statue of a kid with an eggplant-shaped head.

"No!" Said Splinter, and the ghost dropped Craig. "We must send the most powerful of all." He pointed to a large serpentine statue outside.

"Okay, I get the drift." Laughed Craig, thinking that they meant him. "I'll go." Upon hearing that, all the spirits laughed.
"You don't think I can do this?" Asked Craig. "Watch this." Craig tried breathing fire, but it went out too late.

"You had your chance to protect the Loud family." Said Splinter.

"Your misguidance lead Sheen Estevez to disaster." Said the Flying Dutchman.

"Yeah, thanks a lot." Said a ghost with a disembodied head.

"But he's not even part of this family!" Said Craig.

"That's not the point!" Said Splinter. "The point is we will be sending a real serpent to retrieve Lincoln."

"What?!" Said Craig, insulted by what Splinter said. "I'm a real serpent!"

"You're not worthy of this post!" Said Splinter, throwing Craig out of the cemetery. "Now, awaken the Great Stone Serpent."

"Will you at least get back to me on the job thing?" Asked Craig, but Splinter just threw the gong at him.
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Outside, Craig was angry and upset at what Splinter said.

"Just one chance." He said to himself. "Is that too much to ask? It's not like it will kill you." Craig then made it to the Great Stone Serpent.

"You, Rocky!" Commanded Craig. "Wake up! You gotta go fetch Lincoln!" But the statue didn't move a muscle. Craig then tried a different strategy.

"Come on, boy!" Said the smaller serpent, holding the drumstick in his coils. "Go on! Got get it!" He threw the drumstick like how one would play fetch with a dog, but nothing happened. Craig just crawled up to the statue's face and yelled in its ear.

"Hello?" Asked Craig. "Helllloooo!" While banging the ear with his gong, the ear of the statue chipped off, and the Great Stone Serpent disintegrated. The only thing that remained was the head.

"Oh, no." Said Craig. "They're gonna kill me."

"Great Stone Serpent," Yelled Splinter. "Have you awakened?" Craig put his head inside the statue's head and held it up.

"Yes, I just woke up!" Said Craig, pretending to be the Great Stone Serpent. "I am the Great Stone Serpent. Good morning! I'll go forth and fetch Lincoln! Did I mention I was the Great Stone Serpent?"

"Go!" Said Splinter. "The fate of the Loud family rests in your coils."

"Don't even worry about it." Said Craig, still pretending to be the Great Stone Serpent. He was starting to lose balance. "I will not lose faith!" Craig then fell to the ground and the head of the Great Stone Serpent landed on him. Luckily, Splinter didn't notice.

"That's just great." Said Craig, lifting the statue off of his body. "Now what? I'm doomed, and all because Mr. Whitehead decided to take his father's place in the war." Flecko couldn't help but overhear. He flew over to Craig and buzzed.

"Go get him? What's the matter with you? After this mess, I'd have to bring him back with a medal to get back in the cemetery." This gave Craig an idea. "That's it! I'll make Lincoln a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work!" Craig slithered out of the rubble and into the front yard. Flecko decided to follow him.

"What makes you think you're coming?" Flecko buzzed.

"You're lucky? Do I look like a sucker to you?" Flecko buzzed again.

"What do you mean, 'a loser'?" Craig started chasing Flecko down the sidewalk. "How about I pull one of your antennas off, then who's the loser? Me or you? "

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Meanwhile, in a cave, a whole hoard of forest animals were waiting impatiently for Oonski the Great. Oonski eventually returned with the anhinga on his shoulder, and with him, two scouts: a large blue turtle that looked like an armadillo and wore glasses, and a 24-year-old man with orange hair and a hotdog-shaped mouth.

"Oonski the Great." Said the turtle. "I'm nauseous."

"Nice work, gentlemen." Said the beaver, holding the turtle by his neck. "You found the Coon army." The other Ontarian Forest animals just laughed.

"The mayor will stop you." Said the orange-haired lad.

"Stop me?" Said Oonski. "She invited me." He then started choking the human. 
"By building the border, she challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play her game." Oonski held his mace dangerously close to Eugene, the unlucky human. He then threw him to the ground.

"Go!" Said Oonski. "Tell the hag to send her strongest armies. I'll be waiting." Eugene and Filburt, the turtle, soon ran off. Oonski then focused his eyes on a green rabbit, one of his many soldiers. "Rancid, how many men does it take to deliver a message?"

"One." Said the rabbit, holding an arrow.

Author's Notes: In Rocko's Modern Life, Filburt would have a habit of saying 'I'm nauseous'.

Great Grandmother Harriet is yet another Loud House character, in which she was mentioned by Lucy many times.

The Flying Dutchman is a ghost character from SpongeBob, and he would haunt the characters on occasions. He is voiced by Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill Murray's brother.

The grandfather with a white moustache and a pointy nose is Colonel Radcliffe Thornberry, Eliza's grandfather in The Wild Thornberrys Movie.

The green ghost with a bald head, glasses, and a lab-coat is Four-Eyed Jack, from the Hey Arnold episode of the same name.

The late aunt and uncle with an 80s calculator are actually no one in particular; I made them up because I was running out of ghost characters.
The guardians in this chapter are cameos of Krumm from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters (the monster holding his own eyeballs), Aapa from Avatar: The Last Airbender (the cow-like creature), and Jimmy Neutron (the kid with an eggplant-shaped head). I was originally going to use Arnold Shortman from Hey Arnold, but then I decided to use someone else because Arnold will be referenced in a future chapter.
The stout ghost with blue skin and overalls is The Box Ghost from Danny Phantom.

The green rabbit is Rancid Rabbit, an antagonist on CatDog who ran every single job in the show.