Seasons 1-3 of SpongeBob SquarePants are some of the best pieces of animated comedy alongside Looney Tunes and The Simpsons. However, every barrel has its bad apples: Rock-a-Bye Bivalve, which is about SpongeBob and Patrick raising a baby scallop, is one episode I don’t really like. It’s basically about Patrick abandoning his best friend and a child in need just so he can watch TV. Because of this, I decided to rewrite this episode so Patrick is more likable. I was also thinking to myself “What if Pet-Sitter Pat was actually good?” So, in this episode, Patrick has to watch over Junior and Gary while SpongeBob has the double-whammy: A shift at the Krusty Krab one day, and boating school the next day. I also sprinkled in references to older episodes throughout this story. Can you find them all?
One Sunday morning, SpongeBob and Patrick discover a baby scallop left behind and decide to raise it. After feeding it a worm, naming the scallop Junior, and changing its diaper, SpongeBob and Patrick decided to assign gender roles, only for SpongeBob to realize something.
“Wait a minute!” He said. “Sponges and starfish don’t have genders!”
“What does that mean?” Asked Patrick.
“That means sponges and starfish can’t be boys or girls.” SpongeBob explained. “Sandy told me.”
“If that’s the case,” Patrick asked. “Why do we both have a mom and a dad?”
“It’s better not to think about it too much.” Replied SpongeBob. “Anyway, how about you take care of Junior whenever I’m not here? You handled Gary before.”
“But he only wanted the cookie in my pocket.” Responded Patrick. “But I do remember having a good time with Gary. But wait, if today’s Sunday, doesn’t that mean you’ll have to work tomorrow?”
“Yes.” Said SpongeBob. “But at least we have the rest of the day to play with Junior!” The scallop chirped in agreement. For the rest of the day, SpongeBob and Patrick spent a lot of time with Junior, such as taking him for a walk, playing in the park, buying him an ice cream cone filled with worms, and even riding a bicycle!
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The next day, Patrick arrived at SpongeBob’s house, only to realize Junior stinks.
“Boy, Junior, you stink.” Said the starfish. “Time to change your diaper!” He pulled a diaper out of his pocket and put it on Junior. SpongeBob then walked towards Patrick.
“Good morning Patrick!” He greeted. “Here’s a list of things to do while I’m gone.” He handed Patrick a piece of paper. “If Junior chirps, that means he’s hungry. If he cries, that means he needs a new diaper. As for Gary, he needs to be fed twice a day.” They walked over to the cupboard to reveal a lot of cans of snail food.
“But what if he gets bored?”
“Don’t worry, Patrick.” Said SpongeBob. “Snails are self-sufficient.” Patrick stood there with boredom. “That means he can take care of himself.”
“That’s a relief!” Said Patrick. “Good bye, SpongeBob!”
“Bye, Patrick!” SpongeBob replied back as he put on his Krusty Krab hat and left the house. Suddenly, Junior started chirping.
“Junior’s chirping!” Patrick exclaimed! “Let me look at the notes!” He then looked at the notes SpongeBob gave him. “‘If Junior chirps, that means he’s hungry.’ Scallops don’t eat Krabby Patties, doughnuts, or apples. They eat worms, and worms live in the backyard! Don’t worry, Junior! I’ll feed you in a minute!"
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Meanwhile, SpongeBob made it to the Krusty Krab.
“Good morning, everyone!” He declared. “Today’s probably gonna be a typical run-of-the-mill day here.”
“I don’t think so, SpongeBob me boy.” Replied Mr. Krabs. “I smell something smelly.”
“Leftovers in the fridge?” SpongeBob asked.
“No.” Mr. Krabs answered.
“The garbage needs to be emptied?”
“No.”
“Davy Jones’ Locker?”
“No, me boy!” Shouted Mr. Krabs. “Anchovies!” A school of anchovies swam into the Krusty Krab and filled it up.
“Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!” The anchovies shouted.
“This won’t be a problem, Mr. Krabs!” Said SpongeBob, pulling out his spatula.
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Back at 124 Conch Street, Patrick dug up a bucketful of worms and fed them to Junior. Gary then crawled over to Patrick’s feet.
“Meow.” He said.
“Hi, Gary.” Said Patrick. “What do you need?” The snail then pointed to his bowl with his tail.
“You’re hungry?” Asked Patrick. “Let me check the notes.” He looked at the notes SpongeBob wrote down. “‘Gary needs to be fed twice a day: Once in the morning and another time at night.’ Oh yeah, I remember! The cupboard!” Patrick walked over to the cupboard and grabbed two cans of snail food: One for Gary and another for himself.
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Back at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob just finished serving the last of the anchovies. After that, a shoal (a group of fish of different species) of fish entered the restaurant, one of whom was Bubble Bass, SpongeBob’s rival.
“Hey, SquarePants.” He commanded. “I dare you to make me a Krabby Patty with everything on it, including kelp fries, coral bits, oyster skins, and a teaspoon of chum.”
“Chum?” Asked SpongeBob.
“Chum?” Asked Squidward.
“Chum?” Asked Mr. Krabs as he opened his office door. “Are you sure you’re not affiliated with one Sheldon J Plankton?”
“Of course, not.” Replied Bubble Bass, secretly crossing his fingers.
“But chum is made from… fish.” Said SpongeBob. “If we serve fish to the customers, we’d be abominations!”
“Very well.” Said Bubble Bass. “I’ll go on TV, give a review of the Krusty Krab, and no one will visit this stupid restaurant again!” He then gave out his signature laugh.
“Alright!” Said Mr. Krabs. “You win. You’ll get a Krabby Patty with everything on it, including chum. Squidward! Head over to the Barg-N-Mart to buy some chum!”
“But who will take Squidward’s place, Mr. Krabs?” Asked SpongeBob.
“You will, me boy.” Answered Mr. Krabs, grabbing Squidward’s hat and placing it on SpongeBob’s head. “You’re gonna wear two hats again.” He then looked at Squidward. “Squidward! What are you still doing here? Go get some chum this minute! Otherwise, I’ll give Bubble Bass octopus soup.” Bubble Bass licked his lips upon hearing that.
“You got it, Mr. Krabs!” Squidward responded as he left the restaurant to buy chum.
“SpongeBob, me boy!” The crustacean told his fry cook. “Make a Krabby Patty with everything on it. If you please Bubble Bass, I’ll give you a pay bonus.”
“But I thought you were cheap, stingy, and greedy.” Said Harold.
“I can’t be avarice and greed all the time.” Mr. Krabs responded.
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Hours passed, and after lots of work caring for Junior and Gary, Patrick decided to just relax and watch TV. He started laughing at one of the shows.
“Ha ha ha ha!” He said. “That guy got hit in the head with a cocoanut!” Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The door opened, and it was SpongeBob.
“Hi, SpongeBob!” Greeted Patrick. “Gary and Junior were quite a handful today. How was work at the Krusty Krab?”
“Boy, it was eventful!” Said SpongeBob. “First, there was a school of ravenous anchovies! Then, Bubble Bass came back and ordered a Krabby Patty with everything on it, even chum! And if that wasn’t bad enough, Plankton came by and nearly got away with the Secret Formula! Contrary to popular belief, the Secret Formula for the Krabby Patty isn’t in the bottle, but in the patty itself. The bottle reveals the secret between Mr. Krabs and Pearl.” He then smelt something rank. “PU, Patrick! Was that a peanut onion sundae?”
“Oh, that?” Said Patrick. “Those are Junior’s diapers! They’re in the garbage.”
“Patrick.” SpongeBob replied with a stern tone. “You’re supposed to take the garbage can outside so the garbage fish will pick it up later!”
“Sorry.” Said Patrick. “I’ve been working with the pets all day! Does that mean you want me to throw it away?”
“No, I’ll do it for today.” SpongeBob responded. “Just make sure you do it tomorrow. I have to go to boating school tomorrow.”
“Want to play Eels and Escalators?"
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The next day came, and Patrick arrived at SpongeBob’s house.
“Good morning, SpongeBob, Gary, and Junior!” He greeted. “Are you gonna pass your boating exam today?”
“I honestly doubt it, Patrick.” Said SpongeBob. “Anyway, I added a new objective to your to-do list: Take out garbage whenever there’s a diaper in it.”
“Aye-aye, captain!” Said Patrick, grabbing the list from SpongeBob. “Good luck on your exam, and in case you fail, just remember you still have your unicycle!”
“Thanks, Patrick.” Said SpongeBob, and he left the house to go to school.
“Okay, Junior!” Said Patrick. “It’s just me, you, and Gary for the rest of the day!” Junior started chirping.
“You’re chirping!” Said Patrick. “Lucky for you, I have some worms in my pocket! I sleep in the dirt, you know.” He pulled a worm out of his pocket, but Junior wasn’t interested. Instead, he jumped out of the bed made from SpongeBob’s pants and tried to fly.
“Junior, no!” Said Patrick, placing the scallop back in the bed. “There, now stay here while I feed Gary.”
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Meanwhile, SpongeBob made it to Mrs. Puff’s Boating School. He was the first one there as usual, but Mrs. Puff was there too.
“Good morning, Mrs. Puff!” He greeted. “Where is everyone?”
“You know as well as I do that class doesn’t start until 9, SpongeBob.” Said the pufferfish. "It’s only 8 in the morning, but since you’re here, you might as well do the boating exam.” She shuddered upon saying that. The two sea creatures made it outside and got into a boat.
“Since you passed the oral report 38 times,” She began. “You don’t need to do it this time. “Anyway, how do you start the boat?”
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In SpongeBob’s brain, the mini SpongeBobs were still recovering from the Squilliam fiasco the other week.
“Okay, everyone!” Said one SpongeBob. “How do we start a boat?”
“1924?” Asked another SpongeBob.
“No!” Said the head SpongeBob. “You start the engine!”
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SpongeBob started the engine, and Mrs. Puff was surprised.
“We didn’t explode yet.” She said. “Now what?”
“Let me remember.” Said SpongeBob, and the mini SpongeBobs in his brain searched through the files. “Big toe on the pedal.” He took off his shoe and pressed the pedal with just one toe.
“Perfect!” Said Mrs. Puff as the boat started moving. “Do you have a walkie talkie hidden in your head again?”
“No!” Said SpongeBob. “Patrick’s watching over my pets. I wonder how he’s doing right now.”
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Back at 124 Conch Street, Patrick finished feeding Gary, only to hear chirping.
“Is it that stupid noise again?” He said, only to remember that Junior chirps. “Wait a minute, that’s Junior!” He walked over to the bed, and Junior was trying to jump again.
“Junior!” Patrick told the scallop. “How many times have I told you, no jumping off of stuff! You’d shatter like plastic.” He placed Junior back in his bed.
“Meow.” Said Gary.
“No, this won’t last all day.” Said Patrick.
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Back at Mrs. Puff’s Boating School, after 45 failed attempts, SpongeBob managed to do the impossible: Pass his boating exam.
“Can you pinch me, SpongeBob?” She asked, and SpongeBob did so. “Ouch! What was that for?”
“You told me to do it, Mrs. Puff.” Said SpongeBob.
“I guess it’s not a dream, then.” She said. “How did you manage to pass the boating exam without outside assistance?”
“I guess it came from what happened last week.” Answered SpongeBob. “I was at the Krusty Krab, and I was told to forget everything I know except fine dining and breathing. When asked what my name was, I went berserk. Everything was a blank after that fiasco. Poor Squidward.”
“Is Squidward the one who’s actually an octopus?” Asked Mrs. Puff. “I had squid students before, and none of them look like him.”
“Yes, actually.” Answered SpongeBob. “Was he a student here, too?”
“Yes, and he passed 20 years ago.” Responded Mrs.Puff. Suddenly, the bell rang, and her students flooded into the school.
“Class started, Mrs. Puff.” SpongeBob pointed out. “Does that mean I can leave class early?”
“Not quite, SpongeBob.” Said the pufferfish. “I’d also like to see an 1,000 word essay on what happened to you in the last three seasons while also stating what you’d like a possible movie to be about.”
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It was now 2:58 PM, and Patrick decided to glue Junior to the bed, but don’t worry. Patrick gave the scallop five diapers just in case. There were also worms slithering around the bed in case Junior got hungry. The sea star was playing with Gary by throwing a boomerang pet ball at him.
“Catch, Gary!” He said as he threw the ball, only for it to come back.
“Meow.” Said Gary.
“How am I supposed to know that the ball is also a boomerang?” He asked. “What else can we play?” Unbeknownst to him, Junior was biting through the bed, trying to escape.
“You taught SpongeBob how to tie his shoes!” Said Patrick. “Maybe you could teach me!” He pulled a pair of blue sneakers out of his belly button.
“Meow!” Said Gary.
“I don’t have to watch Junior right now!” Said Patrick. “He’s glued to Spongebob’s spare pants!” Junior was then seen flying above Patrick’s head. “Oh, hi Junior.” He then realized something. “Junior!” He ran through the house to chase Junior, only to chase him outside and for the scallop to escape.
“Oh, no!” Said Patrick. “SpongeBob’s gonna be mad at me!” He started crying over ‘losing’ Junior, and as if on cue, SpongeBob arrived in a brand new boat mobile.
“Hi, Patrick!” He said. “Where’s Junior?”
“He flew away!” Moped Patrick.
“Patrick, that’s natural.” SpongeBob explained. “When scallops become old enough, they’ll fly back into the wild. That’s what happened with my scallop. Anyway, I got my driver’s license!” Unfortunately, Junior’s diaper fell off and landed on SpongeBob’s license.
“Bye, Junior!” Said Patrick. “Sorry for gluing you to the bed!”
“What?” SpongeBob asked with a concerned tone.
“Nothing!” Patrick responded back.
