A Loud Legend Redux Chapter 7

The next morning, Lincoln and Lynn appeared at the outskirts of DeLisle Isle. Lincoln was practicing to act like an adult. However, Lincoln was still going through puberty, so his voice cracked at times.

"I see you have a sword." He said. "I've got one, too! They're pretty manly and tough." While trying to pull the sword out of his pocket, Lincoln dropped it, and Lynn couldn't help but laugh. Lincoln threw a rock at his horse.

"I'm working on it!" Said Lincoln. "Who am I fooling? It's going to take me a miracle to get in the army." Suddenly, a shadow of a serpentine creature appeared on a rock, and there was fire below!

"Did I hear someone ask for a miracle?" Asked the silhouette. "Let me hear you say aah!"

"AAAHHHH!!!" Screamed Lincoln.

"That's close enough!" Responded the silhouette. "Lincoln, your treacherous salvation is at hand, for I've been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade! If the army finds out you're a teen, the penalty is death!"

"Who are you?" Asked Lincoln.

"Who am I? Who am I?! I'm the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Craigory!" Craig crawled out from behind the rock with Flecko by his side. "But you can call me Craig." Lynn stomped on the reptile in disgust. Lincoln was surprised at what he actually saw.

"My ancestors sent a garter snake to help me?" He asked.

"Serpent, serpent. I'm no snake." Said Craig. "I don't smell with my tongue." He then flicked out his tongue.

"You're..." Lincoln was at a loss of words.

"Intimidating?" Asked Craig. "Awe-inspiring?"

"Tiny." Said Lincoln.

"I'm travel-sized, for your convenience!" Lied Craig. "If I were my real size, your llama here would die of fright." Lynn growled at the serpent. "Down, Lynnda. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For example, I can see straight through your clothing." Offended by that, Lincoln punched Craig.

"That's it!" Said an angry Craig. "Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this." Flecko started writing on a leaf. "Dishonor on you, dishonor on your llama, dis..."

"Stop, I'm sorry." Pleaded Lincoln. "I'm just nervous. I never fought in the army before."

"Then you have to trust me." Said Craig. "And don't slug me anymore, please?"

"Deal." Said Lincoln.

"Well, let's get this show on the road!" Said Craig. The four of them walked over to the camp. With fear that using modern artillery weapons would destroy the whole planet, Mayor Sarah Dixie suggested that they should use, for the most part, old-school weapons. Anyway, when the quartet arrived, Lincoln couldn't believe how disgusting the men were. Lincoln may have been a boy himself, but at least he cleaned up after himself.

"They're disgusting." Said Lincoln.

"No, they're men." Said Craig. "And you have to act just like them, so pay attention." Lincoln and Craig walked over to three scouts, one of which Lincoln recognized. It was Clyde McBride, his African-American friend back in Royal Woods.

"This tattoo will protect me from harm." Said Clyde, with a (temporary) tattoo of a very familiar face on his forehead. A man in blue clothing, who was both obese and muscular at the same time, punched Clyde, and he got his nose broken. Aside him was a skinny man with messy black hair, a black jacket, and a pink pickle-shaped nose, who laughed at Clyde's misfortune.

"I hope you can get your money back!" He said. Lincoln's pupils dilated in horror.

"I don't think I can do this." Lincoln said to Craig.

"It's all attitude." Said the tiny serpent. "Be tough, like this guy here!" Lincoln focused his eyes on the obese soldier, who goes by the name of Harold Berman.

"What are you looking at?" Asked Harold. Craig gave Lincoln more advice.

"Punch him. That's how men say hello." Lincoln punches Harold, and Harold bumps into an anthropomorphic yellow cow with red pants and green hair. He goes by the name of Heffer Wolfe.

"Harold." He said. "It seems you've made a friend."

"Now slap them on the behind." Craig said to Lincoln. "They like that." Lincoln slapped Harold on the behind, but he got very angry and held Lincoln by his shirt.

"I'm going to hit you so hard," Threatened Harold. "It'll send you to China!" Heffer grabbed Harold to calm him down.

"It seems you need to get some anger out." Said the cow. He chanted in some strange dialect, while still holding Harold, and Harold calmed down. "Feel better?"

"I guess." Said Harold, while Lincoln was walking away. "Besides, you're not worth my time, chicken boy." Offended by this, Craig popped out from behind Lincoln's backpack and insulted Harold back.

"Chicken boy?" Said Craig. "Say that to my face, Mr. Fudgey!" Upon hearing that, Harold grabbed Lincoln, but Lincoln ducked, and Harold hit the pickle-nosed soldier by accident.

"Oh. Sorry, Sid." Said Harold. Lincoln was crawling away, but Harold grabbed him. Sid, who was on his back, kicked Harold by mistake, and Harold flew into Heffer. While the three were fighting, Lincoln made a run for it. However, this didn't get unnoticed by Sid. He, Harold, and Heffer followed Lincoln, and the white-haired teen led them into a small barn. Lincoln hid behind a bale of hay, while the gang of three bumped into a long line of soldiers waiting to be fed crab meat, spilling crab meat everywhere. They all got angry and started ganging up on Lincoln.
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Meanwhile in another tent, Bobby Santiago, with Squidward by his side, was showing a captain-in-training a map of where the Coons struck. The captain-in-training was Ronnie Anne Santiago, Bobby's sister. She was about Lincoln's age with black hair in a ponytail, a purple jacket, and blue jeans.

"The Coons struck here, here, and here." Said Bobby. "I will lead my troops to Ontario before Oonski destroys the Water Tribe."

"Excellent strategy, sir!" Said Squidward. "I do love surprises."

"Ronnie Anne." Bobby said to his younger sister. "You will stay and train the new recruits. When Squidward believes you're ready, you'll join me and Lori... Captain." Bobby gave his sister a sword, and Ronnie Anne blushed with delight.

"A teenage captain?" Asked Squidward. "This is preposterous, General Santiago! Couldn't we have someone like Lieutenant Major Goose to train the new recruits?"

"She's #1 in her class and has extensive knowledge on training techniques." Said Bobby. "Not to mention her handsome good looks coming from me. I believe Ronnie Anne will do an excellent job."

"I will, hermano mayor." Said Ronnie Anne. "I won't let you down."

"Very good, then." Said Bobby. "We'll toast Michigan's victory in Hillwood, New York. General Von Strangle will expect a report in three weeks." Bobby soon left the tent.

"And I won't leave anything out." Said Squidward, and he left too. Ronnie Anne was alone in the tent now.

"Captain Ronnie Anne Santiago." She said with confidence. "Leader of Michigan's finest troops. The greatest troops of all time!" When she stepped out, however, all the soldiers were fighting, and Bobby was surprised by this. A scrawny man with Bart Simpson-like hair, a yellow shirt, and small glasses saluted to the Santiago siblings and Squidward, right before he passed out.

"Most impressive." Said Squidward with sarcasm. Bobby went on his horse to get ready for battle.

"Good luck, capitana. And sister." He said, and he, along with his whole troop of soldiers, left the camp to fight Oonski.

"Good luck, brother. And General." Said Ronnie Anne softly. The soldiers in Ronnie Anne's troop, however, were still fighting.

"Day One." Said Squidward. Ronnie walked over to the squabbling soldiers and broke up the fight.

"Soldiers!" She commanded. The soldiers assembled and pointed at a cowering Lincoln.

"He started it!" They said in unison. Lincoln sat up and looked at Ronnie Anne.

"I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp." She said.

"Sorry." Said Lincoln, but then he deepened his voice to make it sound more convincing. "I mean, sorry you had to see that. But you know those masculine urges and you just gotta kill something!"

"What is your name?" Asked Ronnie Anne. Lincoln just stuttered in fear.

"Your commanding officer just asked you a question!" Said Squidward.

"How about Sid?" Whispered Craig.

"His name is Sid." Said Lincoln.

"I didn't ask for his name." Said Ronnie Anne. "I asked for your name!"

"How about...." Craig suddenly sneezed. "Aa-choo!"

"Ah-Chu?" Asked Lincoln.

"Ah-Chu?!" Asked Ronnie Anne, starting to get angry.

"Gesundheit. Ha ha ha!" Laughed Craig.

"Craig..." Said Lincoln.

"CRAIG?" Asked Ronnie Anne.

"No." Answered Lincoln.

"Then WHAT is it?!" Asked an enraged Ronnie Anne.

"Collin!" Said Craig. "Collin was my best friend growing up!"

"It's Collin." Said Lincoln.

"Of course, Collin did steal my..." Lincoln shut up the reptile before Ronnie Anne got any angrier.

"My name's Collin." Said Lincoln.

"Let me see your draft." She commanded, and Lincoln gave her the envelope from yesterday. She opened it and was surprised. "Loud? As in Lynnard Loud?"

"I thought Lynnard only had daughters." Said Squidward.

"He doesn't talk about me much." Said Lincoln, trying to spit a loogie, but it just dangled from his mouth.

"I can see why." Said Squidward. "That boy's an absolute lunatic." Ronnie Anne then began to speak to the other soldiers.

"Okay, gentleman." She said. "Thanks to your new lame-o friend Collin, you'll spend the night picking up every piece of crab meat. And tomorrow, the real work begins." Heffer, Harold, and Sid looked at Lincoln with anger in their eyes.

"We need to work on your people skills." Said Craig, even though it was kind of his fault.

Author's Notes: The scrawny man with a yellow shirt, small glasses, and Bart Simpson-like hair is Brainy, a character from Hey Arnold. Helga would hit him whenever she got the chance.

The name 'Collin' came from Collin Dean, one of the voice actors for Lincoln. For about 75% of Season 1 of The Loud House, Lincoln was voiced by Grant Palmer. However, he was going through puberty, so he was replaced with Collin Dean, starting with the episode 'One of the Boys', only for him to be eventually replaced as well. Dean was also the voice of Gregory in Over the Garden Wall.

Lieutenant Major Goose was from the Hey Arnold episode 'New Teacher', in which, after the kids are tired of Mr. Simmons, they get him fired and he gets replaced with a very strict military sergeant named Major Goose.

Mr. Fudgey was a brand of candy that was a favorite of Harold's in Hey Arnold.

The tattoo on Clyde's forehead happens to be Lori Loud, Lincoln's oldest sister in The Loud House, whom Clyde had an obnoxious crush on for a while.
The crab meat is a nod to the Krabby Patties on SpongeBob.
I am aware that Hillwood in Hey Arnold is located in Washington State and not New York, but I felt like Washington would be too far to walk.