A Loud Legend Chapter 8

The next morning, Lincoln was sleeping in a tent. Craig picked up Flecko and started twisting his wings like a key in a wind-up toy. Flecko then started buzzing like a bumblebee, and Lincoln woke up.

"Rise and shine, Prince Charming!" Said Craig, pulling the blanket off of Lincoln. "Get your clothes on. Get ready. I got breakfast for ya." Craig held a bowl of porridge in his coils.

"See? It's porridge, and it's happy to see you." In the porridge were two eggs and a piece of bacon. Flecko popped out of the porridge, and Craig tossed the fly aside. "Get out of there! You're gonna make people sick."

"Am I late?" Asked a drowsy Lincoln.

"No time to talk." Said the tiny serpent. Craig then used a fork to feed porridge to Lincoln as if he were a baby. "It's your first day of training. Listen to your teacher and no fighting. Play nice with the other kids, unless they wanna fight. Then you have to kick the other kid's butt."

"But I don't want to kick the other kid's butt." Said Lincoln, with his mouth full of food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." Said Craig. "Now let's see your war face." Lincoln just sat there, with his mouth still filled with food.

"I think my sleeping bag ran for cover." Said Craig. "Come on, scare me, boy!" Lincoln then let out a fierce growl.

"Yes, that's the spirit!" Said Craig. "Now, get out there and make me proud!" Lynn then poked her head through the tent and whinnied.

"What do you mean 'the troops just left'?" Asked Craig.

"They WHAT?" Asked Lincoln. He put on his clothes and rushed out of his tent.

"Wait, you forgot your sword!" Said Craig. "There goes my hatchling, off to destroy people."
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Meanwhile, at the camp, Squidward said "Order! Order!"

"I'd like a Jellyfish Jelly Roll!" Said a recruit named Twister Rodriquez.

"I'd like a liver taco with extra guacamole!" Said a slightly obese man with brown hair, a pointy nose, and an eye-patch on his left eye.

"A Chokey Chicken special!" Said Heffer.

"That's not funny." Said Squidward. 'Collin' entered the scene, and Harold, Heffer, and Sid started teasing him.

"Looks like our new friend slept in this morning." Said Sid. "Hello, Collin. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah." Said Harold. "'Cause I owe you a knuckle sandwich!" Before he could slug 'Collin', Ronnie Anne, who now had her hair down, started the training session.

"Soldiers!" She said. "You will assemble swiftly and silently every morning. Anyone who acts otherwise will answer to me."

"Oh, no. A girl!" Mocked Harold. "I'm so scared! Ha ha ha ha!"

"Harold." Said Ronnie Anne, aiming an arrow at him. Instead, she shot the arrow at a flagpole. "Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow."

"I'll get that arrow, tomboy." Harold softly mumbled to himself. "And I'll do it with my hair up." Once he reached the pole, Ronnie Anne interrupted him. Squidward was holding a small but heavy box.

"One moment." She said. "You seem to be missing something." She opened the box, and it revealed two heavy discs.

"This represents discipline." She said, putting the disc on Harold's right hand. "And this represents strength." She put another disc on Harold's left hand, making him fall to the ground. Sid and Heffer couldn't help but laugh. "You need both to reach the arrow."

Harold tried climbing, but he didn't use the discs, and he failed the task. Sid, Heffer, and 'Collin' also failed.

"We have a long way to go." Said Ronnie Anne. She handed everyone long sticks, and she started to sing.

Ronnie Anne: Let's get down to business

(Breaks two vases with her stick)

To defeat the Coons

(A soldier sticks a bug down Lincoln's shirt, making him knock everyone else down)

I have asked for strong men

But instead, got loons!

You're the saddest bunch I ever met

But you can bet before we're through

(Ronnie Anne holds Lincoln by his shirt)

Mister, I'll make a man out of you!

(The next assignment was archery, and the soldiers had to aim seven arrows at a tree)

Tranquil as a forest

(The soldiers couldn't hit the tree, and Craig placed a tomato Lincoln's arrow, making him cheat)

But on fire within

(The next task was to hit a fellow soldier with several rocks, while the hapless soldier had to deflect rocks thrown at him)

Once you find your center

You are sure to win

(Harold, Heffer, and Sid throw rocks at Lincoln, and Lincoln dodges all of them)

You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot

And you haven't got a clue

(Next, the soldiers had to catch fish)

Somehow I'll make a man

(Lincoln catches Harold's foot instead)

Out of you!

(Heffer and Harold run throw a field of flaming arrows)

Heffer: I'm never gonna catch my breath

(Harold gets hit with an arrow)

Harold: Say good-bye to those who knew me

(Sid has to break a cinder block with his face)

Sid: Boy, was I a fool in school

(He breaks his teeth instead)

For cutting gym

(Lincoln and Ronnie Anne fight hand-to-hand combat, but Lincoln gets slugged by the female captain and got a black eye)

Craig: This girl's got them scared to death

(Craig squeezes a sponge over Lincoln)

Lincoln: Hope he doesn't see right through me

(Heffer has to cross water)

Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!

(Heffer blocks everyone else)

(Next, the soldiers have to hit a stuffed beaver with a cannonball)

Soldiers: Be a man

Ronnie Anne: We must be swift as the coursing river

(The soldiers all miss)

Soldiers: Be a man

(Sid replaces Lincoln's cannonball with a boomerang pet ball)

Ronnie Anne: With all the force of a great typhoon

(When the cannon fires, the ball nearly hits the beaver, but it turns around)

Soldiers: Be a man

(Lincoln dodges the ball, but it instead, hits Squidward)

Ronnie Anne: With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

(Everyone is carrying a barbell on their backs the next morning, but Lincoln is behind)

Time is racing towards us

Till the Coons arrive

(Lincoln falls down, and Ronnie Anne doesn't approve)

Head my every order

And you might survive

(It's now nighttime, and Ronnie Anne gives up and gives Lincoln his backpack)

You're unsuited for the rage of war

So pack up, go home, you're through

How can I make a man out of you?

Before he was about to say his farewells, Lincoln tried one more time to reach the arrow. Using the ropes that were attached to the heavy discs, he climbed up the pole slowly but steadily. It took until morning, but Lincoln finally made it to the top and retrieved the arrow. From then on, all the soldiers could do their training tasks flawlessly. In the last week of training, the soldiers hit vases with their sticks perfectly. They were ready to fight Oonski.

Author's Notes: Jellyfish Jelly Rolls were a dessert from Rocket Power, but I unfortunately forget which episode.

The Chokey Chicken was a chain of restaurants in Rocko's Modern Life, and was a favorite of Heffer's.

 

The slightly obese man with brown hair, a pointy nose, and an eye-patch on his left eye was Hector Flannagan, a character from Sanjay and Craig.

In case you're wondering about his eye-patch, Hector's eye is not injured: the creators admitted that he has the eye-patch so he can see better.

The boomerang pet ball was from the SpongeBob episode 'Gary Takes a Bath'.